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The Brooklyn Nets Have Fired Head Coach Avery Johnson

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The Brooklyn Nets Have Fired Head Coach Avery Johnson As reported by Yahoo's Adrian Wojnarowski, Avery Johnson is no longer the head coach of the Brooklyn Nets. The Nets, now with a 14-14 record, have been underwhelming during their first season in Brooklyn, and Johnson's firing comes on the heels of star point guard Deron Williams publicly complaining about the shortcomings of Johnson's offensive system. You may remember that Williams was widely blamed for Jerry Sloan's departure from the Utah Jazz. Williams better get used to carrying the "coach killer" label throughout the rest of his career.

It's a tough exit for Johnson, who was named the coach of the month in November after leading his team to an 11-4 record to start the season, and was once considered one of the best coaches in the NBA. It's unlikely that we've seen the last of the Little General, though. If he doesn't find another head coaching job, he's likely to land a studio gig somewhere.

Also, Johnson's son is not taking this well:


Hideki Matsui To Announce Retirement, Will Have Plenty Of Time To Enjoy His Massive Porn Collection

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Hideki Matsui To Announce Retirement, Will Have Plenty Of Time To Enjoy His Massive Porn Collection According to multiple reports, former Yankees outfielder Hideki Matsui is set to announce his retirement from baseball. Matsui played seven seasons with the Yankees before making one-year stops with the Angels, Athletics, and Rays. He will always be remembered for collecting big hits in Game 6 of the 2003 ALCS and Game 2 of the World Seri—ah, who are we kidding. He's going to be remembered for owning a massive porn collection.

Word of Matsui's affinity for porn first surfaced in a 2003 Time magazine profile:

And, of course, he likes to watch his much vaunted porno collection, tapes that he often trades with Japanese reporters. As one Japanese journalist put it, describing Matsui's affinity for such unique Japanese cultural institutions like the no-panties shabu-shabu in Japan, "Matsui is a horny guy. All of us are horny, more or less. But Matsui doesn't attempt to hide the fact." Yet another win for the Japanese Everyman.

This information went largely unremarked upon for years, until "much vaunted" became more concrete in 2012 when GQ cited Matsui's porn collection as 55,000 videos strong:

The owner of 55,000 adult vids, Matsui ran out of gifts for writers at his first American press event. "Sorry," he said, "I'll get porn for the rest of you."

Free porn for writers! What a guy! Not much has been said about Matsui's skin collection since then, although our own Drew Magary tried once tried to figure out if Matsui could have possibly watched all of those videos, and decided that he had probably just watched each one for a few seconds.

Well, that's clearly going to change now. Matsui is about to enter a new stage of his life, one that is filled with leisure and decadence and a constant stream of fresh pornography. If only the rest of us could be so lucky. Oh, right, we have the internet. I almost forgot about that.

[SI]

Former Louisville Football Player Files Lawsuit Alleging Assault Cover Up And NCAA Violation

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Former Louisville Football Player Files Lawsuit Alleging Assault Cover Up And NCAA Violation On Dec. 21, former Louisville football player Patrick Grant filed a lawsuit against the university and head football coach Charlie Strong. In the lawsuit, Grant claims that he was asked to cover up the circumstances of an assault that he suffered at the hands of two teammates. On Oct. 24, 2010, Grant was allegedly beaten by teammates Isaac and Jacob Geffrad in the football team's locker room. Grant sustained serious injuries, including a blowout fracture and head trauma. Grant claims that the team's trainer instructed him to lie about how his injuries were sustained while the two were on the way to the hospital. From wdrb.com:

"On the way to the hospital, the team's trainer told Patrick to lie and cover up the fact that his injuries were at the hands of his teammates," the lawsuit indicates. "Out of fear and desire to play, Patrick lied as instructed, telling the doctor that he was horsing around in the locker room and hit his eye on a locker door."

Isaac and Jacob Geffrad were eventually charged with assault on Jan. 28, 2011 and kicked off the football team.

Grant also claims that he was unable to continue playing football due to his injuries, but was allowed to keep his athletic scholarship for 2011-2012, that is until it was revoked by coach Strong this January without explanation:

But according to the lawsuit, that scholarship was canceled on Jan. 4, 2012. When Grant protested that the cancellation broke an agreement, Coach Charlie Strong, "simply ended the call and hung up the phone," according to the lawsuit.

The lawsuit claims that it was a violation of NCAA bylaws for Strong to revoke the scholarship. Grant is seeking to have his scholarship reinstated and damages awarded.

[wdrb]

Today's World Junior Ice Hockey Championship Action Featured A Remarkably Devastating Hit

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The junior ice hockey world championships are currently underway in Russia, and these kids are not messing around. The video above comes from today's contest between Canada and Slovakia, and features Canadian Anthony Camara absolutely demolishing Slovakia's Patrik Luza with a vicious forecheck.

The hit wasn't explicitly dirty, as Camara didn't leave his feet or take a direct shot at the head, but the effect on Luza—who went limp while falling to the ice and needed to be taken off on a stretcher—was devastating. We recommend that any hockey fans currently suffering through the NHL lockout take some time to quench their thirst for violence with a bit of high-impact junior hockey.

Here's A Picture Of Mike Leach Possibly Macking On A Young Lady In A Key West Bar [UPDATE]

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Here's A Picture Of Mike Leach Possibly Macking On A Young Lady In A Key West Bar [UPDATE] What does a college football coach do in order to celebrate escaping allegations of abusing his players? He heads to Key West, throws on some cargo shorts and a nice pair of sandals, and chills the fuck out.

We can't say for sure that Leach is macking on the young lady in the stylish shoes. He's leaning in close enough to suggest that he is, but that awkward arm placement gives us pause. On the other hand, the young lady is looking rather allured.

Update: Leach also signed a coaster for the young lady on whom he was possibly macking:

Here's A Picture Of Mike Leach Possibly Macking On A Young Lady In A Key West Bar [UPDATE]

Pictures via @benwhiting1

Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean Dip

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Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean DipHow To Make A Bean Dip: A Guide For New Year's Eve Partygoers Who Are Getting Too Old For This Shit | There's no way around it: When you first place your bowl on the food table, peel away the aluminum foil or plastic wrap, and are engulfed in a rising cloud of bean-steam, you're going to feel exquisitely dorky and old. Read »

Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean Dip 33 Bowl Games Ranked As If They Were Dishes | Hereforth are the current bowl games, ranked in descending order from most to least appealing to imagine as an actual bowl, whether in contents or material. Read »

Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean Dip Here's The Bitchy Sign An LSU Strength And Conditioning Coach Used To Embarrass Motivate His Players | Oh, now they're great kids. Moffitt's motivational techniques worked out just fine. Read »

Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean Dip ‘Occupy Steubenville' Gathers To Support Rape Victim, Call For Coach's Job | The whole mess hit a nerve, and it appears that hundreds of people turned out in the small town today to support the victim and to decry "corruption." Read »

Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean Dip Hockey Fight That Starts As A Whole Team Against One Player Eventually Envelops Everyone On Both Teams, Including Trainers | "Referees grabbing one guy, I don't know why he's grabbing one guy, there's about 50 guys involved," says the announcer about midway through this vast, all-encompassing hockey brawl. Read »

Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean Dip Video Of The Alamo Bowl's Idiot On The Field, Who Was Not Mack Brown | Quick on the draw, those Alamodome security guards. Read »

Roundup: What You Missed The Weekend We Made Delicious Bean Dip Tony Sparano's Exit Plays Out Like World's Saddest Horse Race | Look at Connor Orr hop around the slower-footed Brian Costello! So determined. Read »

Elated Redskins Fan Tackling A Christmas Tree? Elated Redskins Fan Tackling A Christmas Tree

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The description of this YouTube video reads: "if the redskins make the playoffs, i'm going to tackle the christmas tree!" - dad. Well, dad did not disappoint, and we are all better for it. I can't imagine an image that more perfectly captures the joy of holiday season football than that of a grown-ass man in a John Riggins jersey flying headlong into his Christmas tree.

h/t Steinberg

ESPN Suddenly Remembers That Jay Glazer's Name Is Not "Sources"

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ESPN Suddenly Remembers That Jay Glazer's Name Is Not "Sources" Well, look what we have here. That's Fox Sports' Jay Glazer getting credited—with his actual name this time—on SportsCenter for first reporting that the Browns had fired head coach Pat Shurmur. This is somewhat of a big deal, as it comes on the heels of yesterday's Twitter kerfuffle between Glazer and ESPN news editor Steve Peresman over ESPN's use of the term "sources" when reporting a story that has already hit other media outlets (yesterday's example was Sean Payton signing a contract extension). Glazer's beef was not only an issue of "who had it first," but of ESPN co-opting Glazer as an ESPN asset by dropping the "sources" umbrella over him and other reporters.

But today brings what seems to be a peace offering of sorts. Glazer tweeted that the Browns had fired Shurmur 15 minutes before ESPN's Adam Schefter got around to reporting the same information. Glazer had Schefter beat by three minutes with the Sean Payton story, but today he earned himself some individual recognition. So there you go, Jay. Just beat Schefter by at least 15 minutes from now on, and ESPN will acknowledge you as an actual human being.

[Awful Announcing]


Torii Hunter Says Homosexuality Is "Not Right" (Then Claims He Was Misquoted)

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Torii Hunter Says Homosexuality Is "Not Right" (Then Claims He Was Misquoted) On Saturday, Kevin Baxter of the Los Angeles Times wrote a column about the obstacles that a potentially gay athlete still faces in today's locker room culture. Included in the piece is the following quote from Detroit Tigers center fielder Torii Hunter:

For me, as a Christian…I will be uncomfortable because in all my teachings and all my learning, biblically, it's not right. It will be difficult and uncomfortable.

For One of the League's Most Thoughtful Players™, Torii Hunter sure can sound like a dick sometimes.

Today, Hunter struck back via Twitter and claimed that he was misquoted:

I'm very disappointed in Kevin Baxter's article in which my quotes and feelings have been misrepresented. He took two completely separate quotes and made them into one quote that does not express how I feel as a Christian or a human being . I have love and respect for all human beings regardless of race, color or sexual orientation. I am not perfect and try hard to live the best life I can and treat all people with respect. If you know me you know that I am not anti anything and to be portrayed as anti-gay in this article is hurtful and just not true.

[Fart noise]. I mean, it's pretty hard to see how Hunter's comments were misrepresented here. There aren't many ways you can spin something like: "I will be uncomfortable because in all my teachings and all my learning, biblically, it's not right." But good for Hunter standing up and proclaiming his love and respect for all human beings, even the ones who make him uncomfortable with all of their gross, unholy gay sex.

[LA Times]

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

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The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year There was a lot of ranting to be done in 2012. Some of it was carried out by us, and some of it was carried out by people who may actually be crazy. Enjoy all the yelling.

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

The Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

You don't need any of this. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

The Hater's Guide To Notre Dame

Notre Dame is the college football team for people who don't like college football. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Why Your Team Sucks

We previewed the 2012 NFL season by explaining in detail just why your team sucks. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Michael Wilbon Is A Gutless, Starfucking Crybaby Troll

Holy shit, what a bleeding hemorrhoid. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Pissed-Off College Student Leaves Greatest Voicemail Ever

We really hope they got her shit straight by the time she got the fuck up in there. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Manny Ramirez's Dreads Will Cause Drug Use, Abortion, Gayness, Blindness, Fan Tells The A's Triple-A Affiliate In Insane Voicemail

Long hair and drugs. Two peas in a pod, obviously. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

"What In The Hell's Wrong With You?" Said The Tebow Fan To The Local TV Station

Disparage Tim Tebow, and you risk drawing the ire of this madwoman. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Profane Rant By D-III Christian College's Golf Coach Is A Thing To Behold

It's the slow build that makes this rant so beautiful. Savor it. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

"Look At Me, Mr. Fucking Howdy Doody!": Wyoming Head Coach Goes On Hilarious Rant After Loss To Air Force

No fuckin' integrity. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Jerry Seinfeld Is The Worst

Fuck Jerry Seinfeld. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

The Time Has Come For America's Flight Attendants To Shut Up

NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY, DICKHEAD. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Summer Is The Goddamn Worst

Summer must be destroyed forever. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

The IRQ Car Decal: Noble Or Horrible?

The men and women serving in our armed forces are better than this trend. Come to think of it, aren't we all? Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Dear ESPN: Your Movie-Tie-In Promos Suck

It's brain dead. It's autodrone marketing at its fucking worst. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Dear MSG And Time Warner Cable: Eat A Bag Of Salted Dicks

I don't know enough profanities to properly express how awful it is to not be able to watch my damn teams play their damn games. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

How To Crip Walk: A Guide To Serena Williams's Very American Gold Medal Celebration

Honky, please. The Crip Walk belongs to America now. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Ken "Hawk" Harrelson Melts Down After White Sox Pitcher Ejected For Throwing Behind A Batter

The Hawk will always be baseball's most insufferable homer. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Wally Backman Says "Fuck" 35 Times In Postgame Speech That Lasts Less Than Two Minutes

Never change, Wally. Watch »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

James Jones Flopped, And It Sent Jeff Van Gundy On An Apoplectic Rant

Van Gundy has had enough, you guys! Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Twitter's Favorite Anonymous Sportswriter Has Some Thoughts On Bobby Knight's Latest Embarrassing Debacle

Fuck Bobby Knight. And if Dick Schaap was in any shape to do it, he'd have slapped his eyebrows off. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

This Is Now The Pittsburgh Pirates' Worst Season Ever

The losers stay losing. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

The AP Is Gay For Stupid

This kind of craven shit is how the weasels get invited into the national living room. This is how we get a little bit dumber. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Dope Scandal: Why Is ESPN's Drugs-In-College-Football Story So Stupid?

What's happened to our sportswriters? Who the hell are these people? When did they turn into such a miserable bunch of freelance narcs? Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

The NFL Sacrificed Three Weeks Of Games On The Altar Of Bullshit Ideological Purity

The mere existence of a defined-benefit retirement plan offended an ownership class that had looked around and seen that every other business owner in America had already broken that particular contract. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

FIRE THIS ASSHOLE

The referee lockout may be over, but this still applies. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Go Away Now, Pat Knight, You Loser, Bully, And Pathetic Rage-Case

It's a poor carpenter who blames his tools, Pat Knight. And you are one cruddy carpenter. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

Counterpoint: Ads On Jerseys Are Bush-League Crap, And If You Think They're OK, You're A Stooge

The Boston Celtics are an icon. The Boston Taco Bell/KFC Celtics would be a bunch of guys in green and pink and purple and red pajamas. It's not worth it. Read »

The Year In Rants: All The Unhinged Rambling We And Others Did This Year

A Letter To Sports Illustrated's Thomas Lake: Stop Writing Smarmy Letters To Michael Jordan

This is the monstrousness that makes "magazine writer" a term of disparagement in some circles. Read »

The Year (And Then Some) In Crude Illustrations

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The Year In Deadspin Saying Mean Things About Other Media Members

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The Year In Deadspin Saying Mean Things About Other Media Members We said a lot of mean things about other writers and media personalities this year. We're dicks like that. Here's a collection of our best put downs.

Mitch Albom: Fun-sized poetastering fabulist Also: The meat in baseball's dumbfuck stew

Skip Bayless: Muggs Garroway

Lynn Hoppes: Cupcake Wars correspondent

Bruce Arthur: Milquetoast

Sports By Brooks: Chief Inspector Brooks

Mike Greenberg: ESPN's DJ 3000

Dan Levy: Self-appointed ombudsman of everything

Will Leitch: Garrison Keillor without jokes

Pete Prisco: Odious anti-union propagandist

Colin Cowherd: Facelifted race-baiting honky

David Whitley: Racist dicktroll

Jay Mariotti: Hungover community-college theater instructor

Rick Reilly: $3 million "shitty golf jokes" beat writer

Darren Rovell: Talking haircut

Jason Whitlock: Asian penis expert

Tony Siragusa: A crude, Fox Sports-ready copy of the infinitely more agile-footed Artie Donovan's routine.

Mike Wilbon: Gutless, starfucking crybaby troll

Sean Gregory and Peter King: Cheerleaders tugging at either arm of Roger Goodell's letter jacket

Dan Rafael: Supremely inoffensive teetotaler

Adam Schefter: Irresponsible blogger

Maureen Dowd: Hack editorial cartoonist

Tom Jackson: Us Weekly body language expert

Terry Bradshaw: Idiot doofus

Skip Bayless: A lamentable thing

Chaz Scoggins: Luddite

Mike Florio: Shill

Rob Parker: Member of ESPN's stable of chuckleheads

Hawk Harrelson: Shameless homer

Thomas Lake: "Magazine writer"

John Feinstein: Farter of mediocre books

Lenny Palumbo: Kook with a poorly-Xeroxed newsletter

Matt Millen: Butt steak

Chris Broussard: Perpetual late-comer

Reggie Miller: Exists to worsen the TNT telecast

George Will: Tory Muppet

Mike Francesa: Sports-talk blowhard

Phil Mushnick: OG Troll

Gregg Easterbrook: Haughty dipshit

Bill Polian: A high schooler given the "con" side in debate club

Mark Schlabach: The high school principal from Reefer Madness

Rodney Harrison: Lost his sense of humor at the bottom of an HGH bottle

Rick Telander: Crazy person

Joe Schad: So jacked

Jim Rome: Teeny tiny reporter

JaVale McGee Hits Buzzer-Beating Three, Unveils Wonderful Celebration

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In recent years, the NBA has showcased a variety of creative three-point celebrations. We've seen the championship belt, the three goggles, and the three-to-the-head, among others. But none of those moves are quite like what JaVale McGee dropped on us last night after hitting a buzzer-beating three (his first of the season).

McGee stirs up what looks like an imaginary yet delicious bowl of food, then proceeds to lick the sweet taste of victory off three of his fingers. Even better than the celebration itself is the fact that McGee—who had attempted four three-pointers in his entire career before last night—had clearly practiced the move beforehand, and was simply waiting for the perfect time to unleash it.

[TNBLP]

Minnesota Timberwolves Guard Lazar Hayward Sees Dead People

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Minnesota Timberwolves Guard Lazar Hayward Sees Dead People You probably don't know much about Lazar Hayward. He was drafted out of Marquette by the Minnesota Timberwolves at the end of the first round in the 2010 draft, was traded to Oklahoma City a year ago, was then shipped to Houston as part of the James Harden deal, and was finally released in October.

But now Hayward has returned to the T-Wolves organization. This normally wouldn't be big deal, except that Hayward has come back to Minnesota with revelations about his relationship with the undead. From the Star Tribune:

Out of the NBA and out of basketball since Houston waived him in October, the Wolves' former first-round draft pick has worked recently with two Los Angeles mediums who he says have guided him on a spiritual quest that dates to his childhood.

"I've always just had a lot of questions spiritually because I always kind of seen stuff when I was a kid and I used to tell friends and they'd look at me and say, 'Lazar, you might need some help,' " he said laughing during a surreal post-practice conversation with reporters. "So they used to make fun of me. I just had a lot of questions because I've always just wondered."

Don't get too excited, though. Hayward isn't a genuine medium quite yet, as he can't speak to any of the ghosts he sees.

"I've actually been able to see a spirit," Hayward said. "I can't talk to them yet, but I have seen them."

Still, this is very exciting news! If the T-Wolves are smart, they will immediately institute a halftime video segment at home games in which Hayward tells the crowd about what spirits he has seen that week. They could call it "What Kind Of Spirits Has Lazar Hayward Seen This Week?" It would be a hit.

h/t Sgt. Hammerclaw

[Star Tribune]

"She Is So Raped Right Now": Partygoer Jokes About The Steubenville Accuser The Night Of The Alleged Rape

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The video above was released today by the hacktivist outfit KnightSec, which has been leading the digital crusade in response to the alleged rape of a 16-year-old girl at the hands of two Steubenville (Ohio) High School football players. In the video, Michael Nodianos, a former Steubenville High student and baseball player, talks flippantly about the accuser on the night of the incident.

Nodianos has been connected to the case since the beginning. His tweets on the night of the alleged rape helped investigators form a hazy picture of what took place that night, and the video here was mentioned in a thorough New York Times story about the case, but was not readily available to the public until now.

The video is over 12 minutes long. It's not very easy to watch. Nodianos tells jokes about how "dead" the alleged victim is and openly and jokingly acknowledges that she has been raped. Some quotes:

He's puttin' a wang in the butthole, dude.

They peed on her. That's how you know she's dead, because someone pissed on her.

They raped her harder than that cop raped Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction.

They raped her quicker than Mike Tyson raped that one girl.

They raped her more than the Duke lacrosse team.

Her puss is about as dry as the sun right now.

It isn't really rape because you don't know if she wanted to or not.

At one point, a voice belonging to someone off-camera says, "Trent and Ma'lik raped someone." The two boys charged in the rape are Trent Mays and Ma'lik Richmond. It's unclear how many other Steubenville students are in the room at the time, although at least two of them, who remain off-camera, admonish Nodianos for making light of a rape. "What if that was your daughter?" one of them asks. Nodianos replies simply, "But it isn't."

Previously:

How An Alleged Rape Involving Ohio High School Football Players Unfolded On Twitter, Instagram, And YouTube
Hackers Take Over Steubenville High School Football Team's Website, Threaten To Release Personal Information Of People Involved In Alleged Rape Case
‘Occupy Steubenville' Gathers To Support Rape Victim, Call For Coach's Job


Play-By-Play Announcer Freaks Out After Witnessing Unspectacular Basketball Play

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On Nov. 27, the Bucknell men's basketball team defeated Dartmouth 62-49. I can only assume that the game was as boring and sloppy as the final score makes it seem, but that didn't stop the play-by-play announcer from becoming completely euphoric after witnessing a rather mundane layup.

At the 12-second mark of the video above, Bucknell's Mike Muscala converts an and-one layup on what the AP described as the turning point of the game. The announcer must have sensed the momentous nature of the play. He reacts to it by flipping the fuck out, teaching all of us how to spell "good," and then cackling like a goddamn madman. God help this man if he ever has to call an NCAA tournament game, where things that are actually exciting happen.

h/t BuzzFeed

The Kansas City Chiefs Are Reportedly On The Verge Of Hiring Andy Reid

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The Kansas City Chiefs Are Reportedly On The Verge Of Hiring Andy Reid Well, that didn't take long. After suffering through a real clusterfuck of a firing process, it looks like Andy Reid has already found himself a new home. ESPN is citing sources (actual sources this time, not Jay Glazer) who are claiming that a deal with the Kansas City Chiefs is imminent:

The two sides spent the day Wednesday meeting at a private airport in the Philadelphia area. Reid had been scheduled to fly to Arizona to speak to Cardinals officials about their head coaching opening, but talks progressed with the Chiefs to the point where no hangups are expected.

The Chiefs' contingent of officials included owner Clark Hunt, general manager Scott Pioli, executive Ryan Petkoff and president Mark Donovan, who used to work in Philadelphia with Reid.

By the end of the day, the expectation amongst the parties in attendance was that a deal would be wrapped up.

One assistant coach aligned with Reid even texted Thursday morning that he is going to Kansas City, not Arizona.

Man, having a secret meeting in an airport sounds miserable. Anyway, the Chiefs were one of the few teams in the league who were more miserable than the Eagles this year, so Reid will have his work cut out for him. Still, he will have some tantalizing weapons in Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe, who have never played for a coach with the kind of pedigree and successful track record that Reid brings. And who knows what the Chiefs will be able to pull off in the offseason. Maybe they'll find themselves a functional quarterback.

Regardless, Chiefs fans should be excited about having a competent sad walrus on the sideline next year rather than just a regular sad walrus.

[ESPN]

The Army Powerlifting Coach Is Here To Yell At Your Fat Asses. Ask Him Stuff.

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The Army Powerlifting Coach Is Here To Yell At Your Fat Asses. Ask Him Stuff. Rick Scarpulla knows a thing or two about strength training. He is currently the head strength and conditioning coach for the United States Military Academy at West Point's powerlifting team, and is the creator of the Ultimate Athlete Training Program. He has also trained numerous high school, college, and professional athletes and conducts CrossFit seminars all over the world.

He's here now to share his knowledge about getting strong with all of you. So go ahead and ask him whatever questions you've got about fitness and strength training. He's here to help.

Ray Lewis Is A Complicated Problem Who Played Football With Simple Greatness

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Ray Lewis Is A Complicated Problem Who Played Football With Simple Greatness It's easy enough to be cynical about Ray Lewis, after the 17-year veteran linebacker announced his impending retirement yesterday. In the foreground, there's the recent image of Lewis, now that the years have reduced his ability to contribute on-field: the ridiculous, spasmodic dancing; the incessant sideline woofing; the hoarse, overwrought motivational speeches; the weird proclamations about evil's relationship to football. He's a self-caricature of fearsomeness, in the absence of fearsome play.

In the background, meanwhile, as everyone tries to put Lewis's legacy and his accomplishments into perspective, there's the looming, out-of-scale shadow of Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar, who don't get to register their opinions, because they're dead. They bled out on the street in Atlanta 13 years ago, beaten and fatally knifed, after a brawl with Lewis and his friends outside a nightclub. Lewis fled with his companions in a stretch limo, disposing of his bloodstained suit somewhere along the way. He was initially indicted on a murder charge, then pleaded down to obstruction of justice after agreeing to testify against his friends Reginald Oakley and Joseph Sweeting. Neither was convicted, and Lewis eventually reached undisclosed cash settlements with the victims' families.

Ray Lewis Is A Complicated Problem Who Played Football With Simple GreatnessFor the second year in a row, Slate and Deadspin are teaming up for a season-long NFL roundtable. Check back here each week as a rotating cast of football watchers discusses the weekend's key plays, coaching decisions, and traumatic brain injuries. And click here to play the latest episode of Slate's sports podcast Hang Up and Listen.

And there's the implicit connection between the murder trial and the overcooked shtick, Lewis's gridiron-preacherman persona as an attempt to bury the ugly parts of his past. Who can see his near-tearful true passion for the game, his insistent leadership, and think of the role he may have played in the murder of two men? In that light, there's something simultaneously desperate and calculating in his performance of the Platonic Ideal of the Middle Linebacker. Ray Lewis is all about football, and football isn't played outside nightclubs at 4 a.m.

But he did play football. And that was the thing that couldn't help but be overwhelming and inspiring about Ray Lewis—not the way he talked about playing, but the way he played. On Tuesday, University of South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney laid a hit on Michigan running back Vincent Smith that sent the internet into a tizzy. It was a wonderful hit, worthy of all the praise that was heaped upon it. Anyone who enjoyed watching Clowney annihilate Smith, though, should do themselves a favor and watch the tackles made by Ray Lewis in this highlight video.

Hit after hit is just as perfectly executed and sublimely violent as Clowney's. Lewis—with his speed, preternatural sense of where the play was going, and overwhelming physicality—spent his entire career making the kind of tackles that light up the internet today, tackle after tackle after tackle, hammering a shoulder into the ball carrier and dropping him securely to the ground. As a 22-year-old, he had 156 tackles in a season.

He was a terrifying physical presence, so much so that he could look like a Division I-bound prospect toying with the regular high-school kids. This was never more apparent than in the moments in which Lewis got his hands on a live ball, and the offensive players were forced to try and tackle the rolling granite boulder that Lewis would become. Right around the 7:10 mark in that highlight reel, there's the play in which Lewis yanks a bobbled ball and a chance at the AFC championship game away from Eddie George and the Tennessee Titans. George grabs his leg at midfield, and Lewis shakes him off. Crossing the 25, Lewis shrugs off a tackle from 6-foot-7, 320-pound lineman Fred Miller. Inside the 10, he outruns a diving Frank Wycheck. The Titans had the best record in the conference, and they couldn't do anything about him.

Lewis hasn't been the punishing player he once was for some time now. He's still the leader of the consistently excellent Ravens defense, but he spends much more of his time on the field jumping on the top of dogpiles rather than crushing running backs. The ascendancy of Ray Lewis the caricature over Ray Lewis the linebacker will likely continue, now that he's reportedly set to join ESPN as an NFL analyst. But if Lewis ends up as another finely clothed network shouting head, represented in flashback by dancing and screaming video segments, his meaning to the game rendered inflated and hollow, I'll just miss watching him hit people.

The Poor Astros Will Be Sent To Slaughter On Baseball's Opening Night

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The Poor Astros Will Be Sent To Slaughter On Baseball's Opening Night MLB just announced which two teams will be facing off in the first game of the 2013 season, and the matchup is a curious one. On one side there are the Texas Rangers, a team that has proven itself to be one of the most exciting and watchable squads in baseball over the course of the last three seasons. And on the other side there are the Houston Astros, an utterly miserable baseball team. With a record of 55-107, the Astros owned the worst record in the major leagues last year. They were also responsible for this atrocity:

And now they are being asked to kick off the 2013 season against one of the best teams in baseball in a nationally televised game. In other words, it sucks to be the Astros.

MLB is clearly trying to inject life into a possible Astros-Rangers rivalry, which is now possible with the Astros moving to the American League, but a rivalry only works if both teams are good, or at least something close to a functioning major league franchise. We wish the Astros players the best of luck. May their public humiliation be carried out as swiftly as possible.

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