On Tuesday, the Philadelphia Phillies signed Delmon Young, noted anti-semite and worst player to ever win the ALCS MVP, to a one-year, $750,000 contract. Today, we learned that Young's contract has one very peculiar stipulation. From the AP:
The deal for the AL championship series MVP, announced Tuesday, calls for him to get on a scale on six occasions to be chosen by the team. He'll receive $100,000 each time he makes weight, according to details obtained by The Associated Press. The first three times, he must be 230 pounds or less, and the second three, 235 pounds or less.
No, that passage was not lifted from the Onion. This is a real thing that has happened. As far as we know, this is the first time that a baseball player has had the opportunity to nearly double his salary by completing the simple task of not getting too fat. That should tell you about all you need to know about who Delmon Young is as a baseball player.
What's up, ladies? Do you like the Ravens? Would you like a ticket to the Super Bowl? Are you "hot?" Are you open to performing an "HJ/BJ/etc." in exchange for said Super Bowl ticket? Well then, this Craigslist ad is for you!
Free Super bowl Ticket for Hot Chick - $1
Good news for someone... My uncle got 4 tickets to the superbowl and gave me 2. My (biatch) girlfriend broke up with me on the day of the New England game so I will be taking someone along with me to spite her. I will pay for tickets, hotel, food, drinks, etc.
My requirements are simple:
1. You must be hot and a Ravens fan.
2. You will be expected to put out, at least HJ/ BJ/ etc.
3. You will have to hang with my aunt and uncle for at least a little bit.
Email me if you are interested — this is not a joke.
On second thought, that "hang with my aunt and uncle for at least a little bit" part sounds like a real downer. You might just want to pass on this deal after all, ladies.
According to his lawyer, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the man behind the Manti Te'o dead-girlfriend hoax, was the person who posed as "Lennay Kekua" during phone calls with the Notre Dame linebacker. Skeptical? Well, don't worry. Tuiasosopo's attorney, Milton Grimes, has a pretty airtight explanation for how his client was able to pull off such a tremendous deception. He tells the New York Daily News:
"Come on, Hollywood does it all the time," Grimes said Wednesday. "People can do that."
Recall: Te'o told ESPN's Jeremy Schaap that Ronaiah had two accomplices, a man and a woman, who helped him carry out the hoax. It was assumed that the woman Te'o mentioned was the one who impersonated Kekua over the phone. Now, it's even more unclear what those two accomplices contributed to the hoax.
Grimes went on to tell the Daily News that Tuiasosopo's motivation for carrying out the hoax was not sinister. He described his client as a person with a "troubled existence" who was trying to "communicate and have a relationship." Grimes also stated that his client does eventually want to tell his side of the story. We're all looking forward to that moment.
JaVale McGee continues to be a delight. A normal basketball player, after fooling Omer Asik with a savvy pump fake, would have finished this play with a simple step-through move and a gentle layup. But JaVale McGee is not a normal basketball player, and so the fact that he decided to throw himself an alley-oop off the backboard is not surprising. Neither is the fact that he decided to celebrate his feat by making a holy-shit-that-just-happened face and holding his fingerstache tattoo up to his lip. At this point, nothing crazy that McGee does is surprising, and we love him for that.
The Jets, man. They just can't stop themselves from Jetsing. The latest bit of melodrama plaguing the organization involves rumors that that Jets owner Woody Johnson, the same guy who recently claimed that he never wanted Tim Tebow in the first place, wants to trade all-pro cornerback Darelle Revis. CBS' Jason La Canfora originally reported this development last night, citing sources "with knowledge of the situation."
Today, Johnson did that really annoying thing that owners and general managers often do when they try to dispel trade rumors without ever actually denying their intention to make a trade. Here's USA Today:
"I don't know where that [rumor] came from," Johnson said, "but in the 10 years I've been talking to you guys, I've never made comments about contracts and stuff."
Regardless of where it came from, is it true?
"I don't know where it came from," Johnson said. "I mean, I would never say anything about a contract or a trade or anything like that. That's not what I do."
Oh, well that clears everything up! Now, Darelle Revis has become aware of the trade rumor, and he does not seem very happy about it.
I'm speechless by far but more importantly I feel more upset for the jet nation for having to go through this!!!
The Arizona Diamondbacks' decision to trade Justin Upton to the Atlanta Braves for Martin Prado, Randall Delgado, and a handful of prospects is a curious one. Upton had a relatively disappointing season in 2012 (he still posted 2.5 WAR according to Fangraphs), but he looked like the second coming of Ken Griffey Jr. in 2011, and finished fourth on the MVP ballot that year. Upton is still just 25 years old and loaded with potential, so why were the Diamondbacks so eager to get rid of him? Because they cling to every insufferable cliché imaginable about what it takes to build a winning baseball team, that's why.
I'd like to direct your attention to the following passages from Ken Rosenthal's most recent column, in which he rightly questions the Diamondbacks' reasoning for trading Upton:
"The problem is that he didn't play with a high level of energy," said the former teammate, who spoke on the condition that he would not be identified. "What I think they want is guys who play with the speed, energy and intensity of the Oregon football team - all out, all the time.
"Justin doesn't have that kind of attitude; he has a quiet intensity that doesn't fit the mold of what KT and Gibby seem to want. He plays hard, but has to look suave doing it. Slamming into walls isn't his thing, and they will accept nothing short of all-out sacrifice for the team."
[Diamondbacks GM Kevin] Towers, though, did not dispute the perception that the Diamondbacks were trying to add "grinders," specifically citing Prado and one of the prospects in the deal, shortstop Nick Ahmed, as players who "fit the mold."
"That's the way Gibby played the game," Towers said. "Look at our coaching staff, that's the makeup of our coaching staff as well. That's how we won (the NL West) in 2011. Justin was part of the 2011 club.
"Different clubs like to look for different intangibles in players. We kind of like that grinding, gritty player – hard-nosed. I'm not saying that Justin isn't that type of guy … "
Got it? Justin Upton may be the definition of a five-tool outfielder, but he's not a hard-nosed, all-out, gritty grit-scrapper of a scrap-grinder, so he's obviously not the kind of guy that the Arizona Diamondbacks want on their team. Oh, and he's also too suave. (It doesn't take the Colossus machine to crack that code.) I hope Justin Upton hits 65 home runs this year.
Green Bay Packers running back and part-time strip club DJ Cedric Benson is not very good at controlling his murderous dogs. According to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, Benson was recently issued a citation after his two Rottweilers went on a violent rampage against some innocent livestock.
A citation says Benson's two Rottweilers attacked 17 calves at his neighbor's farm in Maribel last month. A sheriff's department report says the dogs were found chewing the calves' legs and that several suffered deep wounds.
The report says Benson told deputies that he had put up a fence to contain the dogs, but that they managed to escape. Benson was cited a second time Jan. 13 after someone complained the dogs were again running loose in the area.
17 calves! I wonder how long this attack lasted. Were the dogs amongst the calves for hours, leisurely gnawing on a few legs here and there before getting bored and moving on to the next bleating, helpless victim? Or was this a rapid attack, one in which the dogs moved quickly and sinisterly, so as to maximize the physical and psychic trauma inflicted upon the calves? Imagining either scenario is simultaneously hilarious and sad.
On Monday, we ran a special edition of Dead Letters, in which we shared all the mean emails we had received in the wake our Manti Te'o story. There was a lot of negative energy in that post. But we don't always get hateful messages from our readers. Sometimes, we get nice emails—from our moms. It's Friday, and we're in a good mood, so we'd like to share our momplimentary emails with you. Welcome to the Mom Bag.
Subject: Re: shake up the echoes
From: Dom Cosentino's Mom
To: Dom Cosentino
Dom,
Dad + I both read this story, and just heard your interview on the radio!
WE ARE SO VERY PROUD OF YOU !!!
CONGRATULATIONS !!!
YOU ARE AWESOME !!!
Love, Dad + Mom
Subject: yea!
From: Tim Burke's Mom
To: Tim Burke
so cool. I bet you get more than a million hits just this week. We called the relatives we could get a hold of to watch the show. Jan Younger called all excited for you, saidyou were all ovr the internet, sent his congrats. hope this all ends with a big raise for you!! love, MOM
Subject: A most impressive investigative piece!
From: Jack Dickey's Grandma
To: Jack Dickey
Jack- Remember I am your number 1 fan. You have kept me incredibly busy hopping from Google to watching you on computer rversion of your TV interview to reading all the comments. I'm sure these have been heady times. You do very well in the interviews. I had never run across the word gobsmacked,
You will have to shift gears with the new semester - drama, thesis to floor hockey or whatever variations there will be. Much luck in that endeavor.
love, Grana
Subject: No subject [text message]
From: Jack Dickey's Mom
To: Jack Dickey
Be nice to Billy Bush!
I am so haPpy for you...
Subject: No subject [text message]
From: Jack Dickey's Dad
To: Jack Dickey
Deadspin getting major props on Greta van susteren show tonight
Nice work on tv. You were the star on access Hollywood! Are you gonna
write the book? The screenplay? Got an agent? Everyone at work and in
NC very proud.
Geraldo said on fox manti probably gays
Subject: Link from Twitter
From: Tommy Craggs's Mom
To: Tommy Craggs
We read New York Times article. I am glad you were quoted because you intelligently expressed your judgement as the editor over ESPN. So glad to hear that you guys beat ESPN big time.
Love, [Mom and Dad]
Subject: now that we are
From: Tom Ley's Mom
To: Tom Ley
Hearing that Espn has had the facts, or semi facts, for several weeks…you guys ought to be really really proud that you got on this story and that you could because you didn't have anyone to protect. That's good journalism. Unbiased. Good for you guys!!! I hope you are proud. I am proud :)
Subject: No subject
From: Tom Scocca's Mom
To: Tom Scocca's Brother
Did you see or do you have a link you could send me to Tom's appearance
on the Today show? I'm a bit puzzled. [...] I figured Today
might have interviewed Tom because of his editorial position (although
why they wouldn't be talking to Craggs isn't clear). But I surely hope
that the interview didn't imply that Tom wrote the story. And why
wouldn't Today have interviewed the actual authors. I'm confused.
Subject: No subject
From: Reuben Fischer-Baum's Mom
To: Reuben Fischer-Baum
Pat McQuaid, former president of the Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI), has long been at odds with disgraced cyclist Floyd Landis. Recently, McQuaid filed a proceeding against Landis in a low-level Swiss court. The court ruled in McQuaid's favor, and Landis was given a list of things that he, according to the Swiss court, is not allowed to say about McQuaid. Find out what those things are in this week's excerpt from Slate's Hang Up and Listen podcast.
During tonight's Pistons-Heat game, one lucky fan got the opportunity to shoot a half-court hook shot for $75,000. By some miracle, the shot went in, and nobody found themselves more excited about that fact than LeBron James, who rushed onto the court and leaped onto our cargo-shorted hero in a display of unbridled joy. No matter what your opinion on LeBron James is, you have to admit that this moment was absolutely wonderful. We have all just witnessed one man's life reaching its absolute pinnacle.
Tom Brady's New House Literally Has A Moat | "Among the many features in its 22,000 square feet are a resort-style pool, massive play area for children and a common medieval fortification system." Read »
"Creep" is one of those songs that shouldn't be covered lightly. For every brilliantly executed rendition, there are five or six that will have you wishing for a swift and painless death by the time the crescendo rolls around.
I'm not really sure which category this cover—if you can even call it that—featuring Lance Armstrong falls into. Still, there's no denying that Armstrong and the impotent anguish behind the song are a fitting pair. That stare that Armstrong gives Oprah after the "I'm a fucking weirdo" line is legitimately creepy.
Splash is a British-import reality show on which celebrities have to execute dives into a pool. That's it. That's the whole show. The American version is set to begin airing this March.
Anyway, the show's cast of contestants features burned-out comedian Louie Anderson and Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, who no doubt created a lifetime bond during filming when Suh helped drag a drowning Anderson out of the pool while Anderons was executing practice dives. Here's how TMZ, which has exclusive and blurry photos of the incident, says it went down:
Sources close to the production tell TMZ, Louie — who's a contestant on the show — was practicing his dives on Wednesday when he became a little too bushed to pull himself up the ladder ... falling back into the water again and again.
We're told Louie eventually had to be rescued by Suh and divemaster Greg Louganis — who physically lifted the foundering funnyman to the poolside. Louie then sat coughing up water for several seconds.
Oh boy. It's hard to imagine a sadder image than that of Louie Anderson struggling to pull himself out of a pool until he is weakened to the point of drowning, only to be rescued by two men who didn't even bother shedding their robes. That's almost as sad as the fact that one of the NFL's best defensive players will soon be appearing on a celebreality show about diving with Louie Anderson.
The first thing you'll notice about this petition is that it contains a great deal of exclamation points. Why are there so many exclamation points? Who knows. Maybe it's a rhetorical strategy that we aren't familiar with, or perhaps the cheerleader who presumably wrote the petition embodies her peppy persona so completely that she can no longer use other forms of punctuation.
The purpose of the petition is to get Baltimore Ravens cheerleader Courtney L to the Super Bowl. Courtney has been a Ravens cheerleader for five years, but was left off the Super Bowl roster even though all cheerleaders with at least three years of service were supposed to be invited to New Orleans. The author of the petition seems to think that Courtney is being unfairly punished.
Courtney announced she was retiring during the last home game at the end of the season which didn't go well with the director! She was told she didn't put in as many appearance hours this season as she did the past 4 yrs while in college! This season she earned her B.S. degree and got a full time job... Bad call. They also stated she struggled with weight on occasion & she had been benched for 2 lb weight gain during a game earlier in the fall, which is a absurd, unhealthy and a complete inaccurate measurement of a woman's "appearance" and size!
Those are all very good points! If Courtney is in fact being kept away from the Super Bowl for those bullshit reasons, then we are squarely on her side! Sign the petition, people! Get Courtney to the Super Bowl!
You may not know it yet, but Marshall Henderson of Ole Miss is the most entertaining player in college basketball. Here's everything you need to know about him.
What's going on in that GIF up there?
Marshall Henderson being fucking awesome, that's what. On Saturday, Henderson struggled throughout Ole Miss's game against Auburn, making just four of his 13 three-point attempts. Henderson still managed to come up big on an off-night, though, hitting a pair of game-winning free throws in overtime. Whereupon he rushed over to the Auburn student section, violently popped his jersey right in the front of an angry mob of bros, and gave birth to one of the best sports GIFs of the year.
Wow, this guy seems kind of crazy.
He is kind of crazy. The last time Henderson found himself in the spotlight, he was hitting a 35-foot buzzer-beater to send a game against Vanderbilt into overtime and absolutely losing his shit.
That clip only tells part of the story, though. Henderson spent a good portion of the Vanderbilt game in a fugue state. He was so unhinged during that game that someone went so far as to make a six-minute highlight reel of Henderson doing things like pounding his fist into his hand and shouting f-bombs after missing free throws, flapping his arms and screaming at nobody in particular after hitting a three, and having a conversation with a referee that featured some psychotic grinning and clapping.
At one point during that game, after converting an and-one layup, Henderson popped up off the floor and made a beeline for the Vandy student section. Look closely at Henderson's eyes in that moment, just before his panicked coach swoops in and pulls him back into reality. Those are the eyes of a man in the throes of demonic possession. It's a wonder Vandy didn't go to a box-and-one defense with Henderson being shadowed by Max von Sydow.
Hold on. Can we get back to that GIF for a second?
We sure can! It's glorious, isn't it? Just take a moment to let the delicious, seething rage of those Auburn bros wash over you.
I'm not sure if I've ever seen anything more satisfying. And don't discount the contribution of the old coot with the courtside seat, the one who stands up, horrified by this gat damn Henderson kid's shenanigans and looking like the hangingest judge in Lee County.
The real hero of the GIF, though, is the security guard in the white shirt who can't help but smile at Henderson.
He knows he's in the presence of pure, glorious crazy, no chaser.
OK, back to Henderson. So he's nuts, but is he any good?
Well, that depends on your definition of good. Henderson is a classic gunner. During his freshman year at Utah, he threw up 6.5 three-point attempts per game despite playing just 27 minutes per. Now in his junior year at Ole Miss, he is leading the SEC with 19.2 points per game while hoisting threes at a ridiculous rate, attempting nearly 11 per game. He's hitting 35 percent of those attempts, which isn't a fantastic rate, but that's beside the point. Henderson's shooting percentage isn't what makes him so awesome. What makes him awesome is that his shot is undeniably gorgeous, and that he is willing to unleash it 11 times per game without the narrowest sliver of hesitation or guilt. Also, he says things like—
Wait, why is he at Ole Miss now if he played his freshman year at Utah? And why have I never heard of him before?
I was just getting to that. As you might imagine, Henderson's personality has led him on an odd and twisting path through the college basketball landscape. Before graduating from high school, Henderson was arrested and sentenced to 25 days in jail for trying to buy $800 (59 grams) worth of marijuana with counterfeit money. He was also coached by his father during high school, an experience that he has described as "freakin' miserable" to the Lexington Herald-Leader. This likely had something to do with his decision to move out of his parents' house when he was 18, even though he was still in high school.
After his freshman season at Utah, Henderson decided to leave because then-coach Jim Boylen's philosophy didn't mesh with Henderson's "individualism." Henderson transferred to Texas Tech, but after head coach Pat Knight was fired, the guard blew town before ever playing a game.
So Henderson went underground, transferring to South Plains College, a junior college in Levelland, Texas, where he helped lead the basketball team to an undefeated season and an NCJAA championship. While at SPC, Henderson continued to shoot an ungodly amount of threes—312 three-pointers in all, hitting 41 percent of them—and amassed plenty of technical fouls for doing things like hanging on the rim too long after a dunk.
Henderson's play at SPC was impressive enough to earn him an invite to Ole Miss, a move that he and his coach announced at this adorably lo-fi press conference:
Hey, the guy in that video doesn't really seem all that crazy. You sure that's Marshall Henderson?
Yep! That floppy-haired kid who goofily poses for pictures while wearing three-goggles is somehow the same maniac in the GIF at the top of the page. That's what makes Henderson so intriguing. His on-court behavior clearly comes from some deep, dark Helter Skelterish part of the soul, but off the court he's a perfectly sane, self-aware young man who does not at all seem like a human acid flashback. Here's some stuff he told the Lexington Herald-Leader:
That's not really me reacting. That's like my heart and soul coming out of me. All the work I put in to finally be successful on a great team.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm different. I've got to be different in order to be successful.
Every team has a little white guy who can shoot threes. I'm trying to make a difference.
I feel like I'm getting it from different angles. Some people just don't like the way I am. I feel that's a bunch of old-school people. They're just like, 'Oh, no. We don't like him.'
How can you not like him?
You're right. For a ball-hogging gunner this guy does seem pretty likable. Anything else I should know?
This letter, written for the Duke Chronicle by a former Duke undergraduate and current Miami graduate student about her experience at the Duke-Miami game, is a perfect storm of insufferable behavior.
Michelle Picon is upset because she and her friends went to last week's Duke-Miami game to cheer for the Blue Devils from inside the Miami student section. As you might imagine, this experience did not go well for Michelle and her friends. She claims that before they even entered the stadium, they were harassed by Miami school administrators:
Ladies and gentlemen, I f-ing kid you not, the Dean of Students and the Vice President of Student Affairs stood between us and the stadium, allowing dozens of people to pass us in line as they lectured us on our apparently deplorable and wildly unacceptable desire to show support for our home team. Four-plus years as Cameron Crazies, hard-earned Duke degrees and constitutionally protected freedom of speech notwithstanding, senior administrators of the undergraduate campus dared scold us for wearing Duke blue to a basketball game. The catty, disparaging and immature attitude they displayed during this exchange was astounding. The fact that not one, but two top university officials felt the need to bully six graduate students and attempt to punish us for a lack of "school spirit" suggests an unfathomable depth of insecurity.
Perhaps the administrators were behaving poorly, but can you blame them? Graduate students are the world's worst people, and ones who use the phrase "hard-earned Duke degrees" are even worse than that. (Also, don't know why you didn't learn this at Duke, but Miami is a private school that plays at a private arena. Miami's administrators are private citizens. Your freedom of speech is not constitutionally protected there.) Michelle then goes on to describe how the "fluffy pathetic" Miami mascot threw pizza at her. Oh, and she follows it up with this:
At least our Blue Devil has class.
Ugh. Playing the "stay classy" card as it relates to mascot behavior is the Dukiest and most asinine thing ever. That's like bragging that your dog is a better astrophysicist than your neighbor's cat.
Michelle and her friends did eventually make it into the arena, and were harassed by Miami fans in the student section throughout the game. Who could have possibly foreseen that development?! Here's Michelle:
Unfortunately, the immaturity and spite exhibited by the administration and the mascot was only amplified among the student body. About 1,300 students were in attendance, and I'm sure 1,200 of them had never watched a Miami basketball game in their entire undergraduate careers. Uninspired expletives, homophobic slurs and limp references to genitalia were the only "cheers" I heard from Miami students the entire game. They did not cease during the national anthem, nor during a moment of silence for a deceased member of their own coaching staff. Pause for a second and imagine that scene in Cameron.
That's OK-we couldn't either.
But what followed was even harder to imagine: During the game, the majority of the students standing near us would physically turn their backs on their own team in order to comment on the size of our penises. Meanwhile, Miami played the game of their lives unobserved. I leave it up to you to infer what these students are really passionate about.
Hint: It's not basketball.
Christ. I want to punch those four paragraphs in the face. Leave it to a Dookie to somehow become the antagonist of a story that features a pizza-throwing mascot, bullying administrators, and a student section full of drunk Miami bros.
Dave Zirin is the sports editor at The Nation, where he writes about politics and sports and angers conservatives every day. He's also a frequent guest on MSNBC and Outside the Lines, where he once found out firsthand just what a loon Paul Finebaum is. He's here now to answer whatever intelligent and nuanced questions you have for him.
Dave's new book, Game Over: How Politics Has Turned The Sports World Upside Down, is now available for purchase. Once you're done fomenting the revolution with him down in the discussion section, we suggest you pick up a copy.
Well, this is pretty goddamn cool. The NBA has made ten classic games available for purchase on iTunes. You can now download and watch Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's first game, Game 7 of the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals, and Game 1 of the 1997 finals as many times as you want. And the best part is that each game only costs $1.99. That's the price of one-and-a-half Justin Bieber songs.
There are only ten games available for purchase at the moment, but here's hoping that the NBA will eventually make more available. We've got our fingers crossed for the Artest melee.
On Monday, the Miami Heat visited the White House in order to be congratulated by Barack Obama for winning the 2012 NBA championship. The visit was a worthy endeavor if only because it led to the creation of the photograph above.
Of course, we expected nothing less from Chris Bosh, who has proven himself to be the best photobomber in the NBA on multiple occasions.