Last week, we published a military doctor's very useful field guide to masturbating while on active duty. Unsurprisingly, it elicited plenty of comment on the topic from experienced servicepeople, some of which we have collected for your enjoyment. Got anything to add? Leave a comment in the discussion below.

LFC-NWA:

I'm in the Army, and one time in the field, a female colleague of mine rubbed one out when she was in her sleeping bag one night outside. She did a good job of staying quiet until her grand finale when she woke up half of our patrol base.

Knightphall:

Heh. I'm former Air Force. When we were out in the field one trip, two people decided that they just couldn't wait for a few more days, and decided to get busy right then and there.

Things got kind of awkward when a senior NCO walked in on them. After that, the younger airman's career took a nosedive. He was Article 15-ed for sexual harassment against a different female and later spent time in confinement and booted out of the Force for physically assaulting the female he got laid in the field with. (Long story short, she was at a party and he was jealous) I have her as a Facebook friend and wonder if she knows whatever happened to the guy after that......

WotansWood:

Good GOD.

When I was in the military in the 1980s, it was ILLEGAL to masturbate. Right there, printed in black and white in the Uniform Code of Military Justice, ILLEGAL.

So, I guess along with the Marines wholeheartedly welcoming its gay jarheads, some progress marks can be awarded.

MasterQuizBoyBilly:

Heh... when i was in the Navy, we used to say "25 miles away...its no longer gay".

Still, it was bad form to jack it obviously.

The UCMJ is fucking retarded. Oral sex between a married couple is considered to be the same level of a crime as some degenerate fucking a dead dog in the middle of the street. EVERYTHING is sodomy according to them. This is what happens when your ethic code was written back when keelhauling was a human resource motivation technique.

bipolar-cop:

We always set up a couple cots, some cammo netting, and a library of porn for our spank-shacks in 29 palms. Whenever anyone went for a visit, they had to endure the entire FDC singing "Spank-shack bay-ay-bee!" to the tune of B-52's "love shack" at their back as they trudged out there.

simba78:

Oh fond memories indeed... We weren't even deployed, we were at a summer CAX in 29 Palms when this happened: One of the bigger tools in the unit, no pun intended, would go to the port-a-john every morning with a bottle of lotion and a couple porn mags. One morning when he was sleeping because he had watch the night before about 8 or so other dudes stole his lotion and essentially gang raped it... Talk about disgusting. The next morning, the unsuspecting Lance corporal walked proudly to the port-a-john and took care of business, lol... HE NEVER FOUND OUT!!! This is scenario number #10, I think we can all agree.

ItHurtsWhenIP:

Good GOD I wanked a lot.

The joy of rear-echelon troops! Just about every single time on overwatch (when we had single fighting holes). That was, until that one exercise when an OPFOR sniper spotted me choking the chicken. Bloody special forces, come behind our lines out of nowhere, take us out and report the wank. Douchebag. Needless to say, a lot of cleaning duty followed.

As for technique, why not just into a tissue? Our ration packs had them, easy and clean. Besides, the whole idea of storing the wank sock just sort of always felt dirty...

RandomHookup:

When I was in the Army, I had a doctor issue an order to a soldier that he masturbate twice daily to relieve his blue balls (he was young & married). Not sure how his drill sergeant managed that one in execution, but I know he wasn't happy.

To borrow a line from another commenter, thanks to all of you for your self-service.

Earlier: The Coming War: A Military Doctor's Field Guide To Masturbating In Afghanistan

On a scale of one to Lil-Wayne-claiming-to-have-humped-Chris-Bosh's-wife, this particular hip-hop/NBA beef rates at about a two. The Toronto Raptors played the Washington Wizards last night, and D.C. rapper Wale was sitting courtside. After watching Raptors forward Rudy Gay hit a three-pointer and aggressively make a "call me" gesture towards Wale, Raptors play-by-play announcer Matt Devlin took it upon himself to take some jabs at the rapper. Here's how it all went down:

Ouch. Pulling the "You're no Drake!" card is just about the meanest thing that one can do to another rapper, although in Wale's case it applies. Nobody really likes Wale anymore.

Somehow, Wale became informed of Devlin's comments, and he sent this ominous warning to Devlin on Twitter:

Things were starting to get real(?) But Wale wasn't satisfied with just defending his honor on Twitter, and so he decided to make the trip of to the press box and confront Devlin in person. That's Wale trying to carry out his feud with Devlin in the photo above. Things had gotten as real as they were going to get. Then came these tweets:

Also, Rudy Gay and Wale are friends and weren't actually talking trash to each other, so we can just put all of this behind us now. Stand down, Matt Devlin and Wale. There are more important beefs to be had.

Photo via Skeets

There are two types of great buzzer-beaters. The first kind is the end result of a well-executed inbounds play, one that involves screens and misdirection and ends with a shooter getting open just long enough to rise up for a clean shot at the rim. (See: LeBron James saving Cleveland's season in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals). Then there are the buzzer-beaters that are the result of some ballsy, everyone-clear-out-so-I-can-win-this-game-on-my-own hero ball. (See: Gilbert Arenas when he was still Gilbert Arenas). Most players will go their entire career without ever sinking either one of those kinds of shots, but last night Joe Johnson managed to hit both versions of the perfect buzzer-beater in one game.

With his team down three to the Milwaukee Bucks and only 6.1 seconds remaining in regulation, Johnson inbounds the ball to Deron Williams, curls through the lane past a screen, catches the ball at the top of the three-point line, and unleashes a gorgeous, game-tying shot.

Fast forward to the end of the overtime period. With score tied at 111 and 5.2 second remaining, Johnson receives the inbounds pass about six feet beyond the three-point line, takes two hard dribbles to his right, creates just enough space to get a shot up with a quick crossover to the left, and sinks the game-winner as time expires.

Joe Johnson may not always be worth the $90 million that the Nets will have to pay him, but it sure felt like he was last night.

Mike Stefanik is a driver in something called the NASCAR Whelen Modified Tour. I don't really know if the NASCAR Whelen Modified Tour is a big deal or not, but I do know that it involves funny looking race cars. Anyway, Stefanik participated in some kind of race on the NASCAR Whelen Modified Tour circuit last night, and things did not go his way. After the race, someone from the Speed Network attempted to interview Stefanik about a crash that apparently caused Stefanik to finish in 13th place. The reporter suggested that the crash was maybe "just one of those racin' deals." Stefanik's salty response, quivering lip, and furious gaze let everyone know that he did not agree with that assessment. This was not "just one of those racin' deals." This was bullshit (sniffle).

On Monday, we brought you footage of what we described as the worst free-throw attempt of all time. The shot truly is a thing to behold, and we couldn't help but wonder (after watching it for the 20th time) how exactly a free throw could fall so far from the rim. This was a question that we needed to have answered.

So we called the shooter, Georgia College junior Shanteona Keys, and she was gracious enough to answer the one question that had been burning us up: What the hell happened?

"It actually happens to me a lot in practice," Keys told us. "It's just never happened in a game before, with cameras rolling." According to Keys, she always brings the ball very close to her face when taking a free throw, and sometimes she brings it so close that her pointer finger actually touches her nose. From this position she is usually able to shoot the ball without incident, but sometimes her finger gets caught on her nose. "On that shot, I just followed through too close to my face," she said. "And my fingernail got caught on my nose, so I couldn't follow through correctly on the shot."

So there you have it. The worst free throw ever was not created by a sneeze or a mental lapse, but by a simple mechanical error.

We'd also like to point out that Keys is a career 78.4 percent shooter from the line, is averaging 16 points per game this year, and is also an extremely good sport.

Not long ago, Darrelle Revis was unanimously considered to be the best cornerback in the NFL. But then he missed almost the entire 2012 season due to injuries, and Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman put together an all-pro season, leading many (including Sherman) to believe that Revis had been supplanted as the league's preeminent defensive back. Add in the fact that Sherman is a prodigious trash-talker, and you've got a recipe for an antagonistic rivalry. Tensions between the two players came to a head today when Revis took a swipe at Sherman on Twitter. Sherman came back at him, and what ensued was a wonderfully silly spat.

Points to Revis for invoking Roddy White, who you might recall torching Sherman in the playoffs. But the "My business manager has more Twitter followers than you" diss is a lame one, and Revis gets a little ranty at the end there. Looks like Sherman might actually be getting under his skin. Anyway, we hope you enjoyed this cornerback fight.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. We're clocking out for the day, but we'll back at it tomorrow. There's plenty of college basketball and NBA action to keep you busy tonight.

Mildly scandalous behavior continues to plague the run-up to the World Baseball Classic. Yesterday, we had Taiwanese scouts disguising themselves as umpires and infiltrating a South Korean exhibition, and today we have a South Korean pro team refusing to play against the Cuban national team because the Cubans were trying to use a "mysterious ball." From Yonhap News:

According to NC officials, the two sides had previously agreed that they would each pitch their own choice of the ball. But just before the match, Cuba demanded a ball by the U.S. brand Brett Bros. be used by both teams.

"The ball had thick and wide seams, and it posed injury risks for our pitchers," one NC official said. "Then Cuba suggested we both play a Taiwanese ball. That ball also had big seams and we said we didn't want to play it. Finally, Cubans brought out some mysterious ball, and again we told them we couldn't play it."

We're going to side with the South Koreans here, because the Brett Bros. website looks like it was designed in 1998, and baseballs with raised seams are dumb and meant to be used by children. We would like to know what the other "mysterious ball" that the Cubans produced looked like, though. Have the Cubans designed some new piece of baseball technology that will surely rock the geopolitical landscape and likely lead to another Cuban Missile Crisis? Probably!

h/t Dan

[Yonhap]

"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!" he shouts. He finds that he enjoys shouting the word, so he does it again, "KevinKevinKevinKevin!" He slows it down, just to see what that might sound like, "Kevin!—Kevin!—KEVVINNNN!" Yes, that was nice. He stops. Perhaps he has pushed things too far, maybe one can only shout "Kevin!" so many times before it gets old.

Dwight Howard shoots a free throw.

"KEVIN!"

[Sportress of Blogitude]

While Sad Derrick Rose continues his sad comeback, his brother and business manager, Reggie Rose, decided to take a few shots at the Bulls organization. In an interview with ESPN Chicago, Reggie Rose expressed his displeasure at the Bulls for not making a deal before this year's trade deadline.

"What have you pieced together? Have you made any moves? Have you made any trades to get better? You know all roads to the championship lead through Miami," Reggie Rose told ESPNChicago.com. "What pieces have you put together for the physical playoffs?

"Joakim Noah is a great player. Luol Deng is a great player. But you need more than that. You have to put together pieces to your main piece. The players can only do so much. It's up to the organization to make them better."

Taken at face value, Reggie Rose's comments don't make much sense. The player that the Bulls would be most willing to part with is Carlos Boozer, but the $45 million he is owed over this season and the next two make him an unattractive asset to other teams. If the Bulls had wanted to land a player of consequence through a trade this year, they would have likely had to have given up Joakim Noah or Luol Deng—the two players on the team that Reggie Rose actually likes.

So what gives? What we have here is a not-so-gentle reminder from the Rose camp that the NBA is indeed a player's league, and that when Derrick Rose does return to the team, he wants to see the organization take aggressive steps to get better. The Bulls could, for example, amnesty Boozer in the offseason and use his cap space to land a big free agent. That would be a tough pill for a thrifty organization like the Bulls to swallow, but it's one that may be necessary. More from Reggie Rose:

"Everyone is expecting Derrick to come back," Reggie Rose said. "If Derrick comes back, they're going to sell more tickets. Is the reason for Derrick to come back to win a championship or make money? Right now, I don't believe a championship. Everything in the NBA is financial."

Here he is raising the question that all NBA teams must answer: Is the goal to win a championship or turn a profit? The implication is that the Bulls are currently more concerned with the latter, a tactic that the Rose camp wants them to know could eventually cost them their star player.

[ESPN Chicago]

LeBron James was stupid good again last night. He played 34 minutes in a blowout win against the Bulls, scoring 26 points on 11-15 shooting while adding 12 rebounds and seven assists. LeBron was, however, caught in a moment of imperfection during the third quarter when he lost the handle on an uncontested dunk. It was a weird thing to see, because these days there is more evidence to suggest that LeBron James actually is perfect than there is to suggest that he's just a human being like the rest of us.

It's hard to even find ways to adequately laud James anymore. We thought he was in god mode a week ago, but things have just gotten more ridiculous since then. He's made 89 of his last 130 shots—good for a field goal percentage of 68—and he hasn't shot lower than 53 percent from the field over the last nine games. He's also banking in lefty three-pointers, just for kicks.

When LeBron first started this incredible stretch we all called it a hot streak, but what if this just the way he plays now, and the streak never ends? His dominance comes so effortlessly that it's not impossible to imagine such a scenario becoming reality. So if you hate LeBron James, enjoy watching his blown dunk a few more times. Such displays of mortality are growing scarce.

The only trade of note to take place on the NBA's trade deadline day was the one that sent shooting guard J.J. Redick from the Orlando Magic to the Milwaukee Bucks. As is standard practice, the Bucks put out a triumphant, post-trade press release that includes all kinds of boring statistics and PR-speak and hey wait a minute what's this?

[J.J. Redick's] PER of 16.31 is the highest of his career and the ninth-best mark among shooting guards in the league this season.

Not only did the Bucks casually drop a PER reference, they did it without including any explanatory information. We're just supposed to know what PER is at this point! It's a small but meaningful victory for the advanced stats crowd, whose ideas continue to infiltrate NBA front offices. Hurray for people getting smarter!

h/t Evan

Remember when Brian Zoubek opened a cream puff shop in New Jersey and named it Dream Puffz? It was super adorable because Zoubek said things like, "I love to make cream puffs," and ""I'm just a fat kid, at heart." But now, sadly, Zoubek's dream of owning a cream puff shop has come to an end. Dream Puffz is closed, and Zoubek is getting into the real estate industry:

Zoubek opened the cream puff shop July 30, 2012, but decided to pursue a real estate venture when he was faced with deciding whether or not to renew the space's lease.

Zoubek said he could not go into specifics about the real estate opportunity because it is still in the works, but said he has been doing real estate work on the side and chose to prioritize it going forward.

"I was enjoying the real estate more," Zoubek said. "I thought it would probably be more lucrative once I ran the numbers and looked at the scalability."

Scalability, Brian? Come on, what happened to your sense of wonder? Dream Puffz meant something, man. It was about more than just "scalability" and what's "lucrative." It was about bringing joy to the people of New Jersey, one flaky, creamy bite at a time.

Zoubek also posted this sad and heartfelt note on the door of Dream Puffz, thanking everyone for all the good times that were had (click to enlarge):

100,000 cream puff(z) sold, and now it's all over. RIP, Dream Puffz. We won't forget you.

Top image via the Haddonfield-Haddon Township Patch

[Duke Chronicle]

Earlie Johnson spent years building his collection of rare pornography, which he claims featured every African American to ever appear in porn from 1970 onward and was worth $7,500. On Tuesday, Johnson and his fiancée, Angela Morton, came home to find that the entire collection had been stolen by burglars. Now please enjoy these quotes that Johnson gave during a candid and oddly heartwarming interview with WZZM 13:

My collection was the best in Michigan— a guy in Connecticut told me that.

They came upon it and looked at the titles and realized what they had ran across... and realized people will pay cash money for them DVDs.

I trade and I collect and I look at them too. I ain't got no problem with that.

I'm not no scum bag guy, pervert, or nothing like that— I just thought it was cool to own my own porn collection. It keeps my relationship fresh and tight, and I learn stuff that I can use on [my fiancée].

To their credit, the couple seems to be taking the robbery in stride. Johnson says he plans to rebuild his collection. We wish him the best of luck.

h/t Tim

[WZZM 13]

During an interview with Flyers goalie Ilya Bryzgalov, the folks at WIP had the good sense to ask him for his thoughts on that big-ass meteor that recently landed in Russia and that even bigger-ass asteroid that whizzed by Earth and threw us all into a brief, existential meltdown. Bryzgalov's response was the best (Transcription via Sporting News):

Probably every day, our atmosphere was penetrated with the smaller size of the meteors, and (they) just burned high in the atmosphere. This is a much bigger size, but that big that struck the earth like … back in the days, like when the dinosaurs was destroyed. On one thing it's very interesting. On the other hand, it's dangerous. And you know we can't protect ourselves from the space danger.

I think we've gotta like be thankful, and be happy, and enjoy every day our life with our relatives, our wives, kids, and enjoy our work every day.

Thanks, Bryz. I'm gonna go give my mom a call. Maybe tell her I love her, or something.

[Sporting News via WIP]

Crash At NASCAR Nationwide Race At Daytona Leaves Kyle Larson's Car Torn In Half By Fence, Spectators Injured By Debris | A massive wreck at the checkered flag sent Larson's car through the catch fence, sending debris and even the car's engine itself hurtling toward spectators. Read »

Your 100 Percent Bile-Filled Oscars Live Blog | Relive last night's show with Drew Magary's live blog. He had opinions. Read »

50 Cent's Attempt To Kiss Erin Andrews Was One For The Ages | Before the race even started, we've had a massive wreck. Read »

A Collection Of Photos From NASCAR's Wild Day At Daytona | We've collected a sample of some of the most striking images from the terrifying wreck at the DRIVE4COPD 300 at Daytona. Read »

Fans Dress In KKK Hoods At A North Dakota High School Hockey Game, Coach Calls It "Pretty Tacky" | Someone is either very handy with the Photoshop and committed to making North Dakota-area high schoolers look bad, or there are some extreeemely intolerant and/or stupid North Dakota-area high schoolers. Read »

YouTube Determines That NASCAR Does Not Have A Copyright On Everything It Claims To Have Copyrighted | As far as YouTube is concerned, NASCAR does not have a copyright claim to all images, sounds and data from an event to which it has issued tickets. Read »

Oscar Pistorius's Brother Facing Charges Of "Culpable Homicide" | The charge was initially dropped and then recently reinstated. The news comes just days after it was uncovered that lead investigator Hilton Botha had seven charges of attempted murder dropped and recently reinstated. Read »

Here is Derrick Rose, warming up by himself before last night's Bulls-Thunder game, gingerly dunking a basketball just to prove that he can. The Bulls lost by 30. This has been your Sad Derrick Rose update.

Previously:

Every Headline About Derrick Rose Is A Black Pit Of Sadness
Derrick Rose Talked About His Comeback And It Was Sad

[USA Today]

The NFL scouting combine is an utterly useless event that exists for the sole purpose of maintaining the league's grip on the consciousness of the American sports fan as far into the offseason as possible. We only pay attention to it because we are told to pay attention to it. It's like the Valentine's Day of the sports calendar. The combine does serve one useful purpose, though, and that is to remind everyone that many NFL general managers are deeply stupid people.

Three years ago, it was Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland—hell bent on discovering whether or not Dez Bryant's mom was ever a prostitute—taking the combine and the NFL's sense of decency to new lows. So far, this year's combine hasn't produced any gaffes as knuckleheaded as that one, but if what Mike Florio said about NFL GMs questioning Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o's sexuality is true, we are edging pretty close:

Teams want to know whether Manti Te'o is gay. They just want to know.

[...]

It's been described to me as the proverbial elephant in the room and I don't think anyone knows how to solve this dilemma yet. It's just that they want to know what they're getting. They want to know what issues they may be dealing with down the road. We just assumed that at some point there would be an openly gay player in an NFL locker room and the team would have to work with the realities and make sure that everything's fine.

Now you have a situation where you have a guy who was in a relationship with a fake girl who ended up being a real man, and the man has said to Dr. Phil that he was romantically in love with Manti Te'o, it just raises a lot of questions that the NFL at some point is going to have to deal with.

Elephant in the room. Dilemma. These are words that are being used to describe the sexuality of a grown man by people who are supposed to be evaluating that man's ability to play football.

In other news today, Manti Te'o ran a 4.8 in the 40. John Harbaugh was not impressed.

[CBS via Dan Patrick Show]

This clip popped up on YouTube two days ago. According to the uploader, that's a young Bill Russell—playing for the University of San Francisco—grabbing a defensive rebound, streaking down the court on a one-man fast break, and jumping over some poor sap while gracefully laying the ball in. According to us, Bill Russell is the man.

[YouTube via Red's Army]

The Mets continue to be the deadbeat, alcoholic uncle of the MLB family. The organization's latest source of embarrassment comes as the result of an under-the-radar decision to lease out a Citi Field storefront to Amway, the notoriously shady "multilevel marketing" company that makes its money by ensnaring people in a pyramid scheme. From Capital New York:

The Citi Field outpost is Amway's first storefront in America.

On Saturday, Amway staged a grand opening (or "grand opening": it got no coverage, as far as I can tell) with the Amway sign just a few feet away from a Mets ticket booth.

Amway is a multilevel marketing opportunity, to use the euphemism, or a pyramid scheme, to use the terminology of its critics. Individuals sign up as "Independent Business Owners", or I.B.O.s, to sell an array of Amway products, buying them up front while simultaneously recruiting others to join Amway as well.

You know what isn't a good look? An MLB franchise that was bankrupted by a Ponzi scheme entering into a partnership with a company that recently paid $150 million in settlement money to the victims of its pyramid scheme. This is almost as bad as the time the Mets welcomed the shyster from 1-800 Flowers as a minority owner.

Get excited, Mets fans. Once you're finished supporting a shoddily run organization by attending a Mets game, you can swing by the Amway store and support a fraudulent one as well.

[Capital New York]

Photo via Flickr